I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
this is so top tier i cant
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.