terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.