Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
You Might Also Like
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”