I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
step 6: release the wall snake
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.