*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Awesome parenting 😂
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely