Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
What a website
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.