Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME