Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Note to self: always read the final line
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud