“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!