[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Not today. 😅
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.