[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?