Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
You Might Also Like
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.