i prefer mine room temperature.
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
what?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
it was a valiant fight
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
#Caturday