How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!