Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.