Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish