Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
me after drinking all the wine:
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
No Google it does not
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!