Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
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The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Seems legit
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Batman v Dracula
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me