The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
You Might Also Like
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]