Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
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Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%