There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
one last job
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Name this drama.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse