Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
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When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.