i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5