I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
You Might Also Like
I’m having an out of money experience.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
A ghost story
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“and how does that make you feel?”