one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Every time my phone rings
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.