Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.