[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this