Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
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President The Rock Obama
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
When your parents check you’re ok.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many