I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
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I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
adam and eve had first world problems
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Alexa, make me look good naked.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.