Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.