Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach