DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me