I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Godspeed, John Glenn
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures