If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?