I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.