protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.