I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I鈥檓 not sure which but it鈥檚 definitely showing.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I鈥檓 saving thousands of dollars on braces.
me: I just don鈥檛 think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art d茅cor!
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 馃樄
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma鈥檃m this is a McDonald鈥檚
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Boss: You鈥檙e late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn鈥檛 matter that in China I鈥檇 be 12 hours early.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible