Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.