Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.