I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
absolutely not
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English