[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
You Might Also Like
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Science memes
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”