food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER