Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”