Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.