I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*bites zombie*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.