pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.