30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
#CoronaOutbreak
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best