I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Easy enough.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”