Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
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I see your IQ test came back negative
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.