[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
crazy
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
fired
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.